2014, 2015, 2016 - This is the third New Years Resolution in a row that am attempting to withdraw from Nitrous Oxide.
I have been using Nitrous Oxide regularly since Dec 2009.
That means I've been using it non-stop for 6+ years.
My doctors have been insisting that this is a psychological dependency.
But everything about this withdrawal process and the medical publications I have read tell me that Nitrous Oxide is a full-blown physical addiction with serious physical withdrawals - with full-blown urges and cravings.
Here's some insight of how extraordinarily hard this has been for me:
2014
14 DAYS
This was the year I said I would stop using Nitrous.
I attempted to stop before but I noticed I couldn't go for more than a few days.
So I told myself I would slowly ween off.
I created my own "2+ Day Withdrawal" program.
I started off by not using for 2 days.
I would then allow myself to use 1 box (24 cartridges)
Then I would add 2 more days to my abstinence, so next round was 4 days.
The next round after that was 6 days.
I kept doing this until I reached about 14 days.
And that was the end of my attempt to withdraw in 2014.
By the end of Feb I was back to my usual 1-3 boxes a week.
It turns out, that I was still in pain and the nitrous was helping me cope.
I had 2 terrible physical accidents in 2011.
And I had been dealing with a physical disability since.
So the nitrous helped me on multiple fronts: with pain, PTSD, depression and anxiety.
So I realized that this was REALLY going to be hard for me - because it helped me cope with daily life on multiple levels.
In Feb, I decided to relocate to San Francisco bay area to look for work.
It was rough. Minimal money. Sleeping in my car to save whatever I can.
By June, I landed a job in Silicon Valley.
It was a high-stress job.
After sleeping in my car on and off - out of desperation, I got a room with an over-bearing Christian family. It was a TERRIBLE setup for me considering I'm an staunch atheist.
To cope with all these extreme stressful life changes, I was doing nitrous regularly.
I had no guilt or shame about it.
It was part of my self-medication and part of my survival-coping strategy.
It worked just fine and there was no need to make any changes.
That Fall, I decided I was able to go to Burning Man that year. I was unable to go for 5 years due to my disability so I made an effort to go this year. But that was rough. On the drive to BM, I was pulled over by the highway patrol, and they found a crate with large quantities of boxes of nitrous oxide and and over 50 used cartridges scattered through my vehicle. Fortunately, they said they could not arrest me for that and they had to let me go. I was absolutely stunned. This incident is significant because after that point, I was convinced it was legal and that law enforcement couldn't bother me about using nitrous. That brought me a LOT of relief to know that!
Burning Man was amazing as always, but it's such an over-stimulating experience - that it was extremely difficult to re-situate myself in the workplace when I returned.
By Oct, I had already finished my 4-month work contract - so I was getting anxious for more money or another job that will pay me more money. They extended my contract and gave me more money, however it wasn't enough to get my own apartment in Silicon Valley. The pay is "good" in Silicon Valley but housing is so outrageously expensive.
It just felt like a lose-lose situation.
I was working so hard, long hours, overtime, but not getting anywhere.
I was highly stressed. I couldn't go home to decompress from work because of that loud, crazy Christian family. I started to get extremely depressed about my life situation.
I consistently turned to Nitrous Oxide. I felt like it helped me cope and helped me get through a lot of non-stop crap that was thrown my way.
By November / Dec, I was extremely depressed.
I asked for "time off" for the holidays - but my boss denied my request.
I was left alone in the office for days with minimal human contact and that sent me on a downward spiral. I was so isolated and depressed that I did 5 boxes of Nitrous one night in my vehicle and passed out. That was definitely scary to me and I started to get serious about wanting to do something - ANYTHING - to get out of this SERIOUS negative viscous life cycle that found myself in.
By New Years, I was so depressed. Nobody was around at the office - so I was just crying non-stop at my desk. I just found the isolation absolutely inhumane and cruel.
I reached some kind of mental limit.
When my boss returned that first week in January, I was so extremely resentful towards him for declining my request for "time-off". I refused to cooperate anymore. I purposely did not show up to his staff meeting. When he asked what was going on, I said, "You should have given me the time off and let me visit my family for the holiday season".
I was terminated on the spot.
I did 5+ boxes that day just to cope and not kill myself.
2015
Same thing as last year.
My intention was to withdraw in January.
I was dealing with serious depression, so I couldn't even get started.
But I had strong intentions.
I started keeping a written log where I tracked my daily usage and why.
I tracked from Jan to July of 2015.
That first week of the year I did 10+ boxes.
I did so many boxes that week, I lost track - but I know I did AT LEAST 5 that one day I was terminated.
That's super excessive.
And super scary.
Between Jan & February.
I was still extremely pissed off at my past employer.
I was breaking down a lot.
Crying in public.
The biggest sign that I needed help was when I broke down crying in the gym AFTER my workout. This happened TWICE in one week. I always feel pumped-up after a workout so this was a REAL sign to me that I needed help.
The nitrous wasn't helping anymore to keep the depression under control.
I had no medical insurance at that time, so I called the "211" social services hotline. It took 5-6 weeks of making phone calls to finally find a place that would help me. As an atheist, it was important to find counseling that wasn't religious-based, so there was some trial & error along the way. I finally found a small local "family counseling" clinic that was willing to waive the usual fees. I was unemployed so I was only charged $10/visit.
That was a huge step.
It had been about 2 years since I had considered seeing a counselor again - even though I was suffering a lot.
I started to see my counselor in March.
Although, she was an intern and I didn't quite trust her (just yet), I realized that just going in once a week and doing a "check-in" with her and giving her a "status" of my current situation was enough for me to get conscious and start getting serious about helping myself - however small that was at that time. Just getting up in the morning and getting through my morning routine was a huge feat for me. And it was good for me to give a weekly report on that task alone.
But I never got around - or felt comfortable telling her about the nitrous usage.
There was shame and stigma with the amount of nitrous I was doing that I just didn't feel comfortable at all bringing it up...
I also wasn't ready to have someone bugging me about it either.
In April 2014, I was doing nitrous in my vehicle, like I always did (because I couldn't do it at the apartment with those nosy Christian people around) and some STUPID fucken lady saw me in my car and called the cops. Seriously. I'm still baffled by this.
Yup.
That's right: I got busted for doing nitrous oxide.
Turns out it IS ILLEGAL to do nitrous oxide in the state of California.
I had NO IDEA.
All this time...
If I had known, I would have done things differently.
In fact I argued with the police officer about it...
I told him I was able to buy it legally.
I told him how ridiculous it was that he was charging me for this.
I was arrested and spent a night in jail.
I was HORRIFIED and TRAUMATIZED.
Oh my goodness.
I am a good, decent person - but they treat you like everyone else there - like SCUM.
The police officer was rough and man-handled me during the arrest process.
I was hurt and extremely upset.
I have PTSD from a previous interaction with the police in 2011 (I won't get into the details here).
But this incident triggered me into a serious negative state for 60+ days.
Where I was EXTREMELY afraid of the police and afraid to leave my home.
Due to getting my PTSD triggered from the police incident, I was unable to talk to ANYONE about what happened. I told my counselor "something bad had happened" and that I was extremely traumatized" - but that I wasn't ready to talk about it right away because I was getting bad flashbacks. I told her I would share once my PTSD symptoms subsided.
Eventually, after a few weeks, I felt comfortable talking about it and I revealed to my counselor what happened.
That I was using Nitrous Oxide and that I was arrested.
And that I was physically hurt.
It was hard.
I cried A LOT.
But she just listened and did not judge me.
I was definitely still using nitrous - soon after the arrest.
I needed it.
It helped me deal with PTSD, anxiety and pain - and there was no way I was going to stop using it.
With the help of my counselor, it took a 30+ days to process what had happened and what it all meant to me.
I was in a lot of pain from the police incident.
My neck, back and shoulders were in extreme pain.
I was using 800mg of Ibuprofen 2-3 times a day to cope.
After 3 weeks, I was concerned that the pain wasn't going away and I complained to my counselor.
She encouraged me to apply for Obama-care ("Covered California").
I was in a lot of pain so I was motivated to get this done.
By mid-May, I was enrolled in a medical insurance plan.
And started seeing a Physical Therapist to help me cope with physical pain.
Sometime in June, probably from insights and encouragement from my counselor, I became VERY MOTIVATED to withdraw from nitrous.
It was SO HARD the first week.
I was under the impression that nitrous oxide abuse was a psychological addiction not a physical addiction (which btw, I now wholly disagree: It CAN BE VERY physically addictive!)
So it required an extreme level of personal will power to stop using.
The first and 2nd week were so painful.
The urges and cravings were non-stop, on a daily basis.
My body pain increased.I was extremely irritable.
I couldn't focus or concentrate.
I was getting more panic attacks than usual.
My PTSD was heightened and I was easily triggered.
It took a few false attempts but by June/July - I had abstained for a total of 23 days.
23 Days
From Dec 2011 to July 2015 - in 5+ years, that was the most time I had abstained from using.
My unemployment benefits were running out - so I felt the pressure to go back to work.
The goal was to get a job for AT LEAST 3 months so I can replenish my savings and qualify for unemployment insurance again.
That's when I relapsed - when I started to interview for jobs in July.
I have anxiety and stressful situations are a big trigger for me.
I ended up getting a job. By the 2nd week, I had no interest in sticking around. It was another dead-end "Indian-run Tech sweat-shop" that was very high- pressure, high-stress with another shitty supervisor - but I was getting paid $54/hr for this job - that's really good money for me - so my goal was to just stick it out as long as I could.
I had no qualms about doing nitrous again. I told my counselor that I was not going to stop. It was helping me survive this terrible work environment.
The job required sitting at a desk 8+ hours in front a computer - elbow-to-elbow next to a co-worker (sweatshop-style).
Plus a 2-hour daily commute.
By 3rd week I was in pain.
Neck and shoulder.
I was suffering.
So bad, I was ready to quit.
Instead of quitting, I decided to skip going to Burning Man this year so I can recuperate and get my 3 months done. That was more important.
I was doing nitrous just to cope and get by.
When I started purchasing nitrous during my lunch break - that's when I knew I was hitting a serious threshold.
I lasted 10 weeks in that job.
I just couldn't make it to the 12 weeks
I was so unhappy and in so much pain, that when my boss made a ridiculous request - to "multi-task" a brand new task on on-top of the 20+ other items on my tasklist, I said "no, I'm already multi-tasking enough"
That was a deal-breaker for both parties.
I was gone by the end of the day.
Thank goodness.
I continued to use nitrous just to recuperate from that stupid job.
By Oct/ Nov, I committed to withdrawing again.
This time I asked my doctor for help.
Up to that point, I had been resistant to using medication.
I had a serious negative experience with an anti-depressant medication (Paxil) before and I was extremely uncomfortable to go down that path.
But here was my logic...
The reasons why I used nitrous are:
1. Cope with Anxiety & Stress
2. Manage Pain
3. Cope with PTSD triggers
4. Prevent Depression
I told my doctor I was scared to try medications because of past experience. It was very scary for me.
But I was also scared to use Nitrous Oxide because I was now aware that it is illegal and I don't want to go to jail for that again. I needed a way to stop using Nitrous Oxide and I needed to find alternate ways to tackle my 4 chronic conditions.
And I finally came to the conclusion that I was open to using medication to help me get there.
I was afraid that I would react to the medication negatively and would not be able to handle work at the same time, so I asked my doctor if he would support me to get State Disability Insurance while I figured out my medication. He had no problem with that request and signed the paperwork immediately.
I wasn't dealing with depression at that time, so I asked for some kind of medication for (1) anxiety, and (2) pain.
Those were my top 2 problems at that moment.
The doctor wouldn't give me opioid-type pain killers due my past & current history with addiction.
So after a few weeks of back and forth on the topic, I settled for:
Gabapentin for anxiety & pain
Celebrex for pain-management
And suprisingly - that helped A LOT.
Withdrawing on Weeks 1 and 2 were manageable this time around.
Plus, I was getting better at this withdrawal business - I had learned new coping skills from the last 2 attempts which included:
- Dealing with the urges and cravings.
- Avoiding certain places.
- Distracting myself.
- Exercising
- Taking nutritional supplements
24 DAYS
But at Day 24, I got triggered bad.
During my court hearing on the Nitrous Oxide case, my attorney did a serious switcheroo on me and I had a panic attack during the court session.
That was the beginning of a non-stop PTSD trigger.
From the moment I left the court that day, I was non-stop thinking:
"I need nitrous NOW"
"I need nitrous NOW"
"I need nitrous NOW"
I KNEW that it would help me calm down.
Every 20min-40 min I was tempted to use nitrous.
It was insanity.
I called my counselor.
I called my doctor - he told me to up my dosage of Gabapentin.
I called my mom, told her I was still coping with Nitrous abuse.
I called my brother - I also told him I was still abusing nitrous.
I told 2 of my friends about my nitrous problem and asked for help.
Out of desperation, I went to AA meetings and got phone numbers.
I called AA members nonstop.
NOTHING WORKED.
And THEN, my landlord did some shitty thing to me that same week - and I said "Fuck it. This is ridiculous. This is beyond what I can handle. Why am I suffering like this??"
29 DAYS
I used nitrous on Day 29.
And that stopped the trigger immediately.
I was really disappointed that I couldn't even hold off an extra day so I can get to Day 30.
But I was suffering SO BADLY.
I was not functional.
I could not concentrate.
I was not able to do anything except "TRY to stop from doing nitrous"
It just seemed ridiculous to create SO MUCH drama when the whole thing could be fixed INSTANTLY.
My PTSD had gotten triggered and I knew a quick solution.
Why would I deny myself that relief?
I told my counselor - who was pressuring me to abstain - that: "It just seems cruel to have someone suffer like that for 5 days."
About 2 boxes fixed the PTSD immediately within 2 hours.
Problem is that I continued - and used about 4-5 boxes for the next few days.
And that's when I realized that I was going back to negative usage.
That is officially considered a relapse.
I recognized that, so I committed to stop.
And I went to a N.A. meeting so I can re-center myself.
But for the record: I went 29 days without using and that was a MAJOR accomplishment for me.
I had never made it that far.
So now I'm back to withdrawing...
I started going back to S.M.A.R.T. Recovery meetings to help me get back on track.
The first 2 weeks were again "manageable" with the help of the Gabapentin medication. But AGAIN something about the 3rd week is triggering me to use.
I don't understand it.
And it doesn't follow the pattern of most drugs - where the first 7-14 days you get physical withdrawal symptoms.
At about Day 21, I was getting physical withdrawal symptoms.
It's hard to explain - but I call it "Brain Twitching" or "Brain Buzzing"
It's very scary.
I looked it up later, and I found someone on the internet calling it "SSRI brain zap" and described it as an "electric/evil/unnerving feeling"
I agree.
Evil.
I can tell something was going on in my physical brain that is having a physical (neurological?) reaction.
It feels terrible.
I cannot focus or concentrate.
I cannot socialize because I am extremely irritated - and I have panic attacks and blow-ups.
I call my doctor and try to explain.
He keeps insisting that I have a psychological addiction to Nitrous.
And I try to explain to him that this is FEELS like a fucken PHYSICAL withdrawal.
So I go online and I do research and I find medical publications that back up what I have been saying and experiencing:
FINALLY I CAN POINT TO SOMETHING THAT BACKS ME UP!
This is NEW info to me and things are starting to make sense...
I send my doctor the articles.
I explain how it feels similar to withdrawal symptoms from Paxil - it is the SAME weird "Brain Buzzing" symptoms.
This isn't Psychological - THIS IS PHYSICAL - DAMMIT!
It's EXTREMELY CONFUSING to be physically addicted to a substance - and have all the symptoms of drug withdrawals- and have everyone around you, including your doctor, keep telling you that you are not physically addicted.
The doctor finally gets it after I show him the medical publications.
And he says, if that's the case, he said not to worry; That although it is extremely uncomfortable - that it won't kill me.
That was actually a relief to hear that.
The doctor said to increase my Gabapentin again (to 900mg) and that we can discuss in our next session which was in 2 days.
I did 900mg/day for those 2 days, but started questioning my medications.
I asked the doctor if I can stay at 600mg and use the extra 300mg as necessary - like when I get a panic attack or when I get super irritated.
He was okay with that.
2016
45 DAYS
My last day of usage was December 3rd, 2015
As of this post: I am on Day 45
This is the LONGEST I have ever gone without using!
THIS IS A BIG DEAL FOR ME.
I am still struggling, though.
I can't quite describe what is happening right now, but for the past 2 days I was still getting this weird buzzing in my head. Today that is gone.
But I am feeling very emotional.
A lot of awful past memories are floating up to the surface.
And I don't want to deal with that crap.
I skipped my appointment with my counselor last week.
I didn't want to go.
I need a break from this ongoing feeling of: "getting extremely frustrated with talking about this so much - but not getting actual help or useful practical solutions"
I prefer to stay home and spend the time doing research on my own.
I need to understand what is happening and I'm looking for a solution...
But I know how important it is to see my counselor...
So I just scheduled an appointment with her for this next week.
I can tell I am going through something serious and I need to do a check-in and get feedback about how to handle these overwhelming emotions and fears.
Nitrous Oxide worked to control my anxiety - it instantly calmed me down.
It helped me with the PTSD because it literally numbed my mind and the bad memories.
It helped me with depression because it put me in a blissful state.
It instantly stops me from crying.
But now I'm 45 days without using and all these terrible emotional and psychological symptoms are bubbling up.
Seriously. Who wants that crap coming up?
It made sense that I turned to Nitrous for help.
I don't want to deal with PTSD. Anxiety and depression.
Nitrous made it go away.
But HOPEFULLY I can manage these symptoms on my own.
This is a time to learn some new coping mechanisms.
I want to at least try without using and see what happens.
I want to keep exploring: What alternative options do I have?
My goal is to get to Day 90.
I want to have 90 days under my belt before I start looking for work again.
If I am still dealing with PTSD and Anxiety then, I will need to consider either more medication or...??
I don't know.
But eventually, I would like to stabilize my situation and get back to work.
I make good money when I work.
I got a call from a recruiter at Apple last week and asked me to submit my resume for a great position that pays VERY WELL.
Unfortunately, I'm not ready to get back in the game.
It's very heart-breaking to be struggling through this.
I have a lot to offer.
I want to get back to making some good money.
I hate feeling "poor" - with limited funds and driving a crappy car.
I have financial goals that I want to meet this year.
I just want to make it to 90 days and see what things look like at that point.
Hopefully better.
~.~
tag words: N2O, n2o, n20, N20, Nitrous Oxide, NOS, Laughing Gas, addiction, withdrawal, Opiate, opiod, Opioid, Opioids, cartridges, whippits, Whippits, Whip-Its, morphine, Morphine, drug, drug, neurotransmitter
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